[Sweaty Eds]

Mike

Before you do anything too hasty I think it wise that you consider the words of the Dynamos God of Winter, the Very Reverend Nick Brown, ‘may his wheels forever travel in circles’. In his Sermon from the brow of Fresh East the Very Reverend did decree… ‘following the balmy days of endless sunshine and cycling there should follow of period of inactivity broken only by the occasional inner ring base miles ride on the Sabbath and regular self-flagellation in the form of the Tuesday Turbo.’ He goes on… ‘During this period followers should rehydrate thoroughly on dark winter ales and maintain homeostasis through the copious ingestion of crisps and dry roasted peanuts.’

I must admit I was a little surprised when I learnt of his teachings last winter but am now almost evangelical in my following. As a clubmate, I am willing to accompany you on your journey to enlightenment, shall we start this Friday at 6 in The Ivy?

[Sweaty Eds]

I suppose that would have been better in reply to Matt’s question about the Dynamo’s Dinner and Dance.

[Sweaty Eds]

Two for me please

[Sweaty Eds]

Two for me please mate

[Sweaty Eds]

Brilliant!!

[Sweaty Eds]

Sunday’s ride was full of incident.

Many mechanicals, an early bath, a puncture, incredible scenery, four cattle grids, a Cloveresque toilet stop after 5 miles, an awkward discussion about underwear, young boys burning off old boys, disappearing ladies and a coffee stop.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/95989802@N03/9663824410/

Note my new handlebar tape.

[Sweaty Eds]

Fellow Dynamos, allow me to explain the confusion.

This Friday is actually the 30th of September if you are using the ValleyRoad calendar, which is a development on the old fashioned Gregorian calendar that the rest of us use.

It differs in many ways.

Firstly, the working week is restricted to four days, Monday to Thursday, with Friday being a day of rest or ‘working from home’. Strict adherents occasionally manage to reduce the working week still further but most HR departments see through this ruse and find it unacceptable.

Secondly, as we all know, the hours are slightly different in that the o’clock is at 5 past the hour rather than when the big hand points to the 12.

Thirdly, the Festival of Ironmann is celebrated. This is similar to our Ironman and often falls on the same day but, during the Festival of Ironmann, ValleyRoad calendar followers career wildly around roads closed to non-followers wearing visi-vests and mirror sunglasses whilst chattering excitedly to other believers on walkie-talkies.

Hope this helps.

[Sweaty Eds]

Ok, so what about a combination of the Cyclist’s Prayer, Turbo Bloody Training and, the old classic, Clover Train.

The soon to be viral video starts in a darkened hall, from the gloom appear a phalanx of helmeted figures, in unison they chant the Cyclist’s Prayer..

‘Our Stava, which art on the website’ etc

following the climax of this the lights illuminate a train of cyclists on turbo’s all following the man-mountain that is Clover

‘Get on, get on, get on, the Clover Train’

half way through one of our more hip members, say Ants, recites the Turbo Bloody Training poem, add a few globally catchy groovy moves and before you can say Gangnam Style we have ourselves an unstoppable worldwide juggernaut of fame, fortune and class A narcotics.

[Sweaty Eds]

I thought I would have a go at another poem to commemorate our Land’s End to John O’Groats Turbo Challenge. I started off using the same old

Bloody Land’s End to bloody John O’Groats
Long bloody hour, sore bloody scrote

that I’d used a couple of time before, but when I got to

Lazy bloody Slinky cycling four-bloody-teen

I could only rhyme it with

Thirty bloody two! Competitive GP, very bloody keen

so I thought I’d have a go at a Haiku instead, using the 5, 7 and 5 rule.

Land’s End to John O’Groats

Land’s End to John O’Groats
Dynamo’s Turbo Challenge
Well done everyone

Land’s End to John O’Groats
Twenty-four hours on High St
Quite sweaty in parts

Land’s End John O’Groats
Chucking out time at the Eagle
Participants in pants

Land’s End to John O’Groats
Pre Spar spin for good time girls
Mini skirts and stilettos

Land’s End to John O’Groats
Dynamos Turbo Challenge
Piece of piss, really!

Maybe it’s a bit highbrow.

[Sweaty Eds]

Excellent logistic work once again, Mat. Now, not only will we cycle from Land’s End to John O’Groats in 24 hours, we will also be able to determine pi to three hundred decimal places without leaving the High Street.

[Sweaty Eds]

Timeless quotes;

Bill Shankly – ‘Football is not a matter of life or death, it’s much more important than that.’

Winston Churchill – ‘The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.’

Bob Marley – ‘Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds!’

Martin Luther King – ‘I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the colour of their skin, but by the content of their character.’

To their number we can add

Anthony Rees – ‘Just what is in those flapjacks?’

Maybe suppose you had to be there. If you weren’t I’m sure Flapjack won’t mind explaining.

[Sweaty Eds]

I’ll do the first one on Friday 1200 to 1300 and one in the evening, say 1800 to 1900. Could maybe do one of the graveyard shifts depending on how they fill up.

[Sweaty Eds]

I am free Friday afternoon so could do a session then and then one other. If Our Beloved Chairman gives my children the afternoon off from their chimney sweeping ‘internship’ they could manage an hour between them alongside me.

I’m looking forward to seeing the tandem.

[Sweaty Eds]

Suggest we have a meeting/beer to finalise plans for turbo event. Shall we say six this Friday in the Ivy?

[Sweaty Eds]

On a beautiful July evening, sixteen of us met at Bloomfield. Notable attendees included Ian ‘Working from Home’ Walton, pain in the arse Narberth GP, Roger, Andrew ‘Techno’ Smurphy, Flap-‘only on a Sunday’-jack and, making a rare club outing, the immense athletic form of Celia Pantani. Most of the regular midweek crew were there. Kim, Diddyman Mike, Stag, Heavy Legs Dan, Folly Farm Jane, Leights, Graham Dumbledore, Andrew Ajax, New Bike Tom, possibly a couple of others and my Sweaty self. Notable absentees once again included Beloved Chairman Rees, Routesetter Huw and Routechanger Maverick Matt.

Now without Chairman, Routesetter or Routechanger, I must confess a sense of inertia descended on the assembled group, it was well past Valley Road o’clock and even Graham had arrived before the first enquiry asking if anyone had looked at the route was murmured. Of course, all eyes fixed on Valleyman, he of the steely jaw and effortless seniority, no dice, he hadn’t been near a computer all day. In a panic I blurted that I had indeed memorised the route earlier that evening. A schoolboy error! In unison, what seemed like a thousand voices demanded to know how a figure of eight route could be either clockwise or anti-clockwise. I stammered something about Tanners Lane, trumped loudly and blindly set off for Princes Gate half hoping that no-one was following.

I think we did probably change the route a little bit. I enjoyed the blast between Templeton and Cross Hands, although I was a little disappointed that my tucking in behind Roger didn’t produce a PB on Strava. We took in the Cresswell Quay loop and it was fascinating to see Leights at work between Cross Hands and the Quay. It wasn’t willy-waving or anything as vulgar as that, this is Leighton we are talking about after all, he simply went around each member of the peloton checking their feelings towards a cheeky half at the Quay and also the financial situation. (Note for next AGM, I propose Leights for Treasurer, not that Dylan has done anything wrong but, really, priorities…). Unfortunately, Roger, after quite a spell off the bike, smelt the hill on the far side of the hostelry and could not resist. Kim, as last week showed, has no self-control when it comes to a medical man in full flight and promptly followed. Poor Ian, after the Indecent Proposalesque humiliation not seven days ago, had little choice but to chase his errant partner. Soon, like lemmings, the whole peloton was hunting for dangerous liaisons and Stava PB’s more or less the whole way home.

As a footnote, at the bottom of every climb Pantani seemed to be taunting Roger with her new tattoos before disappearing from view. It was only when she explained to me that they were a present to herself on a recent Barcelona trip that I made sense of the hieroglyphics…

Hoy no amigo

Thanks everyone, great fun, great ride

[Author]

Posts

[Sweaty Eds]

Mike

Before you do anything too hasty I think it wise that you consider the words of the Dynamos God of Winter, the Very Reverend Nick Brown, ‘may his wheels forever travel in circles’. In his Sermon from the brow of Fresh East the Very Reverend did decree… ‘following the balmy days of endless sunshine and cycling there should follow of period of inactivity broken only by the occasional inner ring base miles ride on the Sabbath and regular self-flagellation in the form of the Tuesday Turbo.’ He goes on… ‘During this period followers should rehydrate thoroughly on dark winter ales and maintain homeostasis through the copious ingestion of crisps and dry roasted peanuts.’

I must admit I was a little surprised when I learnt of his teachings last winter but am now almost evangelical in my following. As a clubmate, I am willing to accompany you on your journey to enlightenment, shall we start this Friday at 6 in The Ivy?

[Sweaty Eds]

I suppose that would have been better in reply to Matt’s question about the Dynamo’s Dinner and Dance.

[Sweaty Eds]

Two for me please

[Sweaty Eds]

Two for me please mate

[Sweaty Eds]

Brilliant!!

[Sweaty Eds]

Sunday’s ride was full of incident.

Many mechanicals, an early bath, a puncture, incredible scenery, four cattle grids, a Cloveresque toilet stop after 5 miles, an awkward discussion about underwear, young boys burning off old boys, disappearing ladies and a coffee stop.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/95989802@N03/9663824410/

Note my new handlebar tape.

[Sweaty Eds]

Fellow Dynamos, allow me to explain the confusion.

This Friday is actually the 30th of September if you are using the ValleyRoad calendar, which is a development on the old fashioned Gregorian calendar that the rest of us use.

It differs in many ways.

Firstly, the working week is restricted to four days, Monday to Thursday, with Friday being a day of rest or ‘working from home’. Strict adherents occasionally manage to reduce the working week still further but most HR departments see through this ruse and find it unacceptable.

Secondly, as we all know, the hours are slightly different in that the o’clock is at 5 past the hour rather than when the big hand points to the 12.

Thirdly, the Festival of Ironmann is celebrated. This is similar to our Ironman and often falls on the same day but, during the Festival of Ironmann, ValleyRoad calendar followers career wildly around roads closed to non-followers wearing visi-vests and mirror sunglasses whilst chattering excitedly to other believers on walkie-talkies.

Hope this helps.

[Sweaty Eds]

Ok, so what about a combination of the Cyclist’s Prayer, Turbo Bloody Training and, the old classic, Clover Train.

The soon to be viral video starts in a darkened hall, from the gloom appear a phalanx of helmeted figures, in unison they chant the Cyclist’s Prayer..

‘Our Stava, which art on the website’ etc

following the climax of this the lights illuminate a train of cyclists on turbo’s all following the man-mountain that is Clover

‘Get on, get on, get on, the Clover Train’

half way through one of our more hip members, say Ants, recites the Turbo Bloody Training poem, add a few globally catchy groovy moves and before you can say Gangnam Style we have ourselves an unstoppable worldwide juggernaut of fame, fortune and class A narcotics.

[Sweaty Eds]

I thought I would have a go at another poem to commemorate our Land’s End to John O’Groats Turbo Challenge. I started off using the same old

Bloody Land’s End to bloody John O’Groats
Long bloody hour, sore bloody scrote

that I’d used a couple of time before, but when I got to

Lazy bloody Slinky cycling four-bloody-teen

I could only rhyme it with

Thirty bloody two! Competitive GP, very bloody keen

so I thought I’d have a go at a Haiku instead, using the 5, 7 and 5 rule.

Land’s End to John O’Groats

Land’s End to John O’Groats
Dynamo’s Turbo Challenge
Well done everyone

Land’s End to John O’Groats
Twenty-four hours on High St
Quite sweaty in parts

Land’s End John O’Groats
Chucking out time at the Eagle
Participants in pants

Land’s End to John O’Groats
Pre Spar spin for good time girls
Mini skirts and stilettos

Land’s End to John O’Groats
Dynamos Turbo Challenge
Piece of piss, really!

Maybe it’s a bit highbrow.

[Sweaty Eds]

Excellent logistic work once again, Mat. Now, not only will we cycle from Land’s End to John O’Groats in 24 hours, we will also be able to determine pi to three hundred decimal places without leaving the High Street.

[Sweaty Eds]

Timeless quotes;

Bill Shankly – ‘Football is not a matter of life or death, it’s much more important than that.’

Winston Churchill – ‘The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.’

Bob Marley – ‘Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds!’

Martin Luther King – ‘I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the colour of their skin, but by the content of their character.’

To their number we can add

Anthony Rees – ‘Just what is in those flapjacks?’

Maybe suppose you had to be there. If you weren’t I’m sure Flapjack won’t mind explaining.

[Sweaty Eds]

I’ll do the first one on Friday 1200 to 1300 and one in the evening, say 1800 to 1900. Could maybe do one of the graveyard shifts depending on how they fill up.

[Sweaty Eds]

I am free Friday afternoon so could do a session then and then one other. If Our Beloved Chairman gives my children the afternoon off from their chimney sweeping ‘internship’ they could manage an hour between them alongside me.

I’m looking forward to seeing the tandem.

[Sweaty Eds]

Suggest we have a meeting/beer to finalise plans for turbo event. Shall we say six this Friday in the Ivy?

[Sweaty Eds]

On a beautiful July evening, sixteen of us met at Bloomfield. Notable attendees included Ian ‘Working from Home’ Walton, pain in the arse Narberth GP, Roger, Andrew ‘Techno’ Smurphy, Flap-‘only on a Sunday’-jack and, making a rare club outing, the immense athletic form of Celia Pantani. Most of the regular midweek crew were there. Kim, Diddyman Mike, Stag, Heavy Legs Dan, Folly Farm Jane, Leights, Graham Dumbledore, Andrew Ajax, New Bike Tom, possibly a couple of others and my Sweaty self. Notable absentees once again included Beloved Chairman Rees, Routesetter Huw and Routechanger Maverick Matt.

Now without Chairman, Routesetter or Routechanger, I must confess a sense of inertia descended on the assembled group, it was well past Valley Road o’clock and even Graham had arrived before the first enquiry asking if anyone had looked at the route was murmured. Of course, all eyes fixed on Valleyman, he of the steely jaw and effortless seniority, no dice, he hadn’t been near a computer all day. In a panic I blurted that I had indeed memorised the route earlier that evening. A schoolboy error! In unison, what seemed like a thousand voices demanded to know how a figure of eight route could be either clockwise or anti-clockwise. I stammered something about Tanners Lane, trumped loudly and blindly set off for Princes Gate half hoping that no-one was following.

I think we did probably change the route a little bit. I enjoyed the blast between Templeton and Cross Hands, although I was a little disappointed that my tucking in behind Roger didn’t produce a PB on Strava. We took in the Cresswell Quay loop and it was fascinating to see Leights at work between Cross Hands and the Quay. It wasn’t willy-waving or anything as vulgar as that, this is Leighton we are talking about after all, he simply went around each member of the peloton checking their feelings towards a cheeky half at the Quay and also the financial situation. (Note for next AGM, I propose Leights for Treasurer, not that Dylan has done anything wrong but, really, priorities…). Unfortunately, Roger, after quite a spell off the bike, smelt the hill on the far side of the hostelry and could not resist. Kim, as last week showed, has no self-control when it comes to a medical man in full flight and promptly followed. Poor Ian, after the Indecent Proposalesque humiliation not seven days ago, had little choice but to chase his errant partner. Soon, like lemmings, the whole peloton was hunting for dangerous liaisons and Stava PB’s more or less the whole way home.

As a footnote, at the bottom of every climb Pantani seemed to be taunting Roger with her new tattoos before disappearing from view. It was only when she explained to me that they were a present to herself on a recent Barcelona trip that I made sense of the hieroglyphics…

Hoy no amigo

Thanks everyone, great fun, great ride

[Author]

Posts